I was thinking of what Christmas presents to get for people and I just hit a hard rock.
I find it really hard to unsheathe myself (lol)
I, realistically, only have one friend and that's because I've known him for a while.
Everyone else feels more like just accomplices or people I know, and even that same friend is someone I barely hang out with (that's more just because of school and being busy and that's okay).
I know this because I was thinking of what presents to buy for who, and then I just realized that I literally don't know what to get for people because I don't really know them enough to know which gift will bring out the best reaction from them other than the base of its monetary value, or because it'd be based solely on a passion they're really open about (and that's unoriginal and doesn't show much thought into their gift). I know how that sounds, but it's one of those things, ya'hear? I only could think of one good gift for one of my friends because I've known him for a long time, like I said.
Then I thought, well shit, maybe I am just autistic after all but nah, I work with and have known people with autism and aspergers (and had my fair share of cringing and frustrations with). I still feel like I've lost base with my sense of empathy and with it my favorite abilities to really make people laugh (without making fun of myself or someone/something else), because when I try I immediately feel like I'm jumping straight from a warm cozy bed onto the surface of Mars. It didn't used to be like that when I was younger, I actually was pretty complacent with pissing teachers or people off by being obnoxious and funny. Now, I feel like old news, a former clown who stares at his old rainbow afro hanging from the wall in his ratty apartment, taking bites out of a freshly caught rat for breakfast.
Yikes, my self esteem is tanked.
My family is torn, my youth is tainted with regrets and bad air, and all I have now is one friend. Shit, even the times with the old youtube crew feels stale, and it's not like I had a real high school clique (they all moved away around that time high school started picking up, and they would've been great friends to grow up with D: ). Speaking of youth, man, I hear all the time about the whole high school crew my friend had and a recurring thought is how I wish I was just born two years earlier and things probably would've been so much better.I mean, look at me
. I've lived with a dysfunctional family (not the oh haha, we're dysfunctional but we all still love eachother deep inside TV trope kind) but a painfully real physically and emotionally abusive dysfunctional family.
I didn't have a real relationship with a group of friends in high school (looking back, I probably should've picked up on Drama club or something for freshman year, but who knows, that could've been a worse decision), I lost my father at 17, and have been nomadic and making ends meet ever since.
Looking at this objectively, it's obvious that something is probably not going to tick normally, but I just can't figure it out? I mean, I was pretty quirky for 14-16, but I still wasn't a complete sociopath or anything while still being myself. I was just a dumb kid that was getting into new stuff and meeting new people, wasn't that bad. Now?..
AGJASIGJIEAAHHGH WHAT THE FUCK
I JUST WANNA BE A FUCKING COLLEGE GUY
I wanna just wake up, throw some clothes on, go to school, be funny and quirky, text with people, flirt with girls when possible, and go home to, idunno, play games and meme or something, just like it was back then, and what it is for others my age now! It'd be a fucking grace if that home would be my old home with my dysfunctional but alive and together parents. Shit, there were times when I seriously thought they were going to kill eachother during some of their worst fights, and that nightmare partially came true with dad actually dying. Fuck me, I really am living a nightmare.
ANYWAY, yeah, I really can't let go of that thought, and the fact that I can't even make a real spool out of the remaining threads of what my personality used to be is a mortifying reminder that I am not a matured version of who I used to be. I am someone else entirely.
I've thought, oh, it's just part of growing up! You lose your sense of fun and you start picking up on x and x! Which is partially true, but that's also a pretty pessimistic view. Being an adult still involves friendship and empathy, and the boring parts are just for the boring stuff like doing the necessary, responsible tasks. There's still plenty of room for happiness and joy in that mix.
What a bummer. I have no idea how to improve my self esteem and at the same time feeling more comfortable with myself without becoming more narcissistic (by making self actualizing fluff out of repeating thought procedures) or just killing myself (NICE). I just need a genuine thing going on, that isn't just one single friend. I should try to take more pictures outside, and I'm thinking more on how to do that with my situation. At least practicing on my photography gives me a sense of peace (so does alcohol but this is America people, vote Bernie 4 free booze). I would love to rescue another dog but I wouldn't have enough time to take care of it properly, or the funds.
What a waste of youth
too few happy moments, and too many things to keep me up at night (none of them are babes either and rarely is it a good game :/ )
(seriously what the fuck is this shit)
/end of the feel train, please pay the bus fare before you leave